Go to Bed With Lake Bell

This chick is my #1 celebrity crush.  I have a picture of her on my phone just so when some girl asks "Who's your celebrity crush?" And I answer Lake Bell I don't have to google it for her.  Nobody knows this girl by name.

Mini Masters Needs to be a Thing

This is probably a few days late but I had to comment on it.  This absolutely needs to happen.  You know how they have the famous par 3 round on Wednesday? This needs to replace it immediately.  I can just imagine Angel Cabrera losing his absolute shit when a gorilla swats his ball away.  You know who would win this? Not me. I'm essentially always the best player on the field/court/board at all times but I absolutely suck at putt putt.  Real putting? I'm an ace.  Throw a freaking windmill in front of me and I turn into Jim Abbott.  However, I would watch pros get after this all day long.  I'm seriously sending this video in with a strongly worded letter to 2604 Washington Road Augusta, Georgia 30904-5902 as soon as I remember how to buy or use a stamp.

Teacher Reanacts Varsity Blues Sex Ed Scene

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/57822890-78/williams-teacher-course-students.html.csp 

A Weber High School teacher has been placed on paid leave after asking her students to name slang for genitalia as part of a lesson.

Teacher Ashley Williams was placed on paid leave Friday after students brought the incident to the attention of school administrators, said Nate Taggart, a Weber District spokesman. The lesson was part of the course Adult Roles and Financial Literacy, a class that offers college credit to high-schoolers through concurrent enrollment, 



Purple headed yogurt slinger.  That one has haunted me from the moment I heard it.  No idea why it bothers me so much, I think it's because I taste yogurt every time I hear it.  I'm a grown ass man, I  don't really need to be tasting anything when I hear a term for dick. Let alone when I was 13.  Just Yuck.  Good for this teacher though, you know she is probably a young buck who has seen this movie one too many times. Thought it would be a great idea to introduce Miss Davis' lesson plan.  She just forgot she was in Salt Lake City, home of the Mormon.  The same region that kicks NCAA players off their team for saying Fuck.  Probably not a good look to have Mormon kids shouting out pork sword and spurt reynolds.

John Daly's at it Again

While the golf's best were busy practicing for Next Year's Mini Masters our boy John was doing what he does best.  The tee out of the mouth thing is old news by now so my question is w hat do you think is going through this broads mind right before he swings?  It has to be the same feeling you have right before you go skydiving or do anal for the first time right? This is either going to go really well and be one hell of a story or there is going to be a tremendous amount of body fluid everywhere.

I was going to write more but after that last joke there's just nothing else to say.

Human Barbie is a Smoke Without Makeup

Obviously this chick is on another level but this brings up a larger issue.  How much hotter are snitches when they aren't caked in makeup?  There is just no need for a human being to change their appearance that much on a daily basis.  Look at dudes, what you see is what you get.  Most of the time it ain't pretty but at least you don't wake up next to a different looking human being.  In case you don't know this what this broad looks like with her makeup on:

I'm Over the MLB Replay Already

You see that picture? Earl Weaver just casually tossing out a whole umpire crew, probably on the second call of the game? Welp say goodbye because if it's one thing that is clear with this new replay system it's the fact that manager arguments are a thing of the past.   Now all we get is a manager slowly walking out to home plate while some intern in the hallway looks at the replay and gives a thumbs up or not.  They kept saying that it will speed up the game but I don't think they took into account the whole let's delay while we make sure conversation that happens every night.  Don't be surprised if they institute a rule that essentially says that if the manager leaves the dugout he has to use his challenge to negate that.  This also might be a slippery slope.  Can you imagine if this leads to the tennis technology they are talking about calling balls and strikes? How absurd would that be? next thing you know players are going to be using the Kirk Gibson Jr. 2000.




PS No offense to Wally Backman but this is still my favorite manager argument of all time:

Artie Lange Hospitalized

So Artie's in the hospital, whatever. This dude is on borrowed time as is.  My question is what asshole friend takes a picture of you in the hospital literally looking like death?  I don't even let my picture be taken if I've had Chipotle in the past week and am feeling fat.  You always see these pictures of celebs in their hospital beds looking at their worst. I can't wrap my head around who takes these. Is it some sneaky nurse? Has to be right? Because if one of my friends ever took a picture of me looking like ole Artie up there I'd wait until he was getting married and King Joffrey his ass.


PS. Beer league is a sneaky good movie

I Have a Major Crush On that Vine "Funny" Girl

So

 So this girl is a professional Viner (whatever the hell that means) and I'm sure you have all come across her at some point. She tends to be annoying as fuck but man oh man if she doesn't just get me.  And by get me I mean she has some big ole boobs and the rest of the body to match. Her face has got a little bit of the Saw clown thing going on but I stopped being picky after my last 20 lbs.

Is it a Prerequisite to Dress Like a Total Asshole at Coachella?

 

Listen I understand that the whole white guilt sorry we took your nation but we love your fashion native American style is all the rage these days but come on.  Look at some of these folks.  It looks like Johnny Depp threw up and H&M just decided to make a profit off it. You can't possibly tell me that you can walk into a store and say "Hmmm you know what I have to have those shorts with the birds sitting on top of a clowns head."  Just not possible.  This is the problem with fashion in general. One broad dresses like a douchebag and then all of her friends have to try and one up her douchiness.  It's going to get to the point where snitches are just wearing actual plants or some shit just because they are trying to unknowingly out asshole their friends.  Get out of here with this shit. Enjoy your indie bands and fake molly dressed like a normal person.

I Feel for Jeff Francoeur Here

Kind of a long video and honestly not really well done. Whole thing could have been summed up in about a minute or so but that's besides the point.  I have a love hate relationship with this video. All of his teammates are ragging on him and calling him an idiot for getting a result that they were PLANNING on. Half those dudes in the video could barely speak English, and I'm referring to the American born players too.  On the other hand picturing Francoeur making hand signals and mouthing words to a dude is pretty damn funny.  Worst part for the "deaf" pitcher by far though? Not being able to listen to your headphones on the plane.  I would just made up some "oh it makes me feel normal" excuse or something.  And what does he do on the treadmill?  Have you ever tried running on a treadmill without headphones? I wouldn't last 3 minutes, first thought of the real world while on the treadmill and I am DONE.

Go to Sleep with Lindsey Duke

The only stress this girl has in her life is that her last name is about to be Bortles. 

New Ninja Turtles Trailer

How has this not been discussed yet? I feel like this trailer kind of snuck by everyone.  The only reason why I caught it was because I found out that Johnny freaking Knoxville is going to be voicing Leonardo.  It's not like I hate the dude, just feel like he has too recognizable of a voice.  The trailer definitely peaks my interest though, the turtle game changed forever when Rondo took off his orange mask and you realize that your childhood turtles are donezo. And can you imagine the things that Megan Fox had to do to Micahel Bay's duck butter in order to get the April O'neil gig? I mean she was fired from Transformer's for Christ's sake. Not that I'm complaining, she's a bit of an upgrade from the last April:

I'm just hoping Casey Jones shows up and kicks some ass. He was always my favorite for some reason even though he only had like 10 minutes of screen time.  Now excuse me while I go watch the 3rd April O'neil in all of our lives.

Looks Like We'll See Manning Face in 2016

First of all, am I the first person to realize that Phelps rocks the Manning Face? I think I am. Anyway, our boy Mike has decided that he isn't done being an Olympian yet.  I'm sure it's just that he misses competing and has nothing to do with the smokes he was plowing and the amount of celebrity he had built up.  Do you realize that this dingis hosted Saturday Night Live just because he was born with Marfan's Disease (look it up trust me) and can hold his breath for a long time? I mean the dude is basically functionally retarted and was asked to
host a show that required him to memorize speaking lines.  That's like asking me to swim in the Olympics.   Hey Mikey I don't blame ya, but tell me ya don't like my firm, telly me ya don't like my idea, tell me ya don't like my fucking neck tie but don't tell me you're coming back for the swimming.



PS. How much would it suck for Michael Phelps to have banged out your girl? Jim Jefferies puts it best: